JPMorgan's Whale of a Wall Street Fairy Tale: Street Whispers

Tickers in this article: JPM

NEW YORK (TheStreet) --BlueMountain Capital Management's hire of former JPMorgan Chase(JPM) investment bank CEO Jes Staley is like the happy ending to a fairy tale.

First there was a big bank--JPMorgan--that had indigestion because of some $6 billion in losing trades. These are now known as the London Whale Trades.

These trades were very embarrassing to the king--er--CEO, a man named Jamie Dimon.

He had referred to them as a "tempest in a teapot," perhaps after having nibbled on a giant mushroom.

Along came a friendly hedge fund named BlueMountain. Seeing King Jamie in trouble, it offered to help him "unwind" the trades. Unwind is a word that bankers like to use to talk about trades to make themselves feel better.

BlueMountain was ruled by another good king named Andrew Feldstein. King Andrew was not as well known as King Jamie. He probably told his friends he liked to fly under the radar--more words that bankers like to use to make themselves feel better.

When King Andrew was a lad, in the 1990s, he toiled in the JPMorgan kingdom, inventing fancy trades to please the king, who at the time was called Sandy. At the time, he met another lad named Jes Staley, who would grow to be very rich and powerful working for King Jamie.

Seeing King Jamie and his knight Jess in trouble with the London Whale trades, Andrew wanted to help.

So they harpooned the Whale, and King Jamie was so grateful, he gave King Andrew all the blubber to boil down into oil to heat his kingdom. And King Andrew was so happy he hired Sir Jess and made him a partner at Blue Mountain, and JPMorgan issued a statement.

"BlueMountain is an important client of ours, and we look forward to working with Jes in the future.  Please join me in thanking Jes for his decades of dedicated service to JPMorgan, and in wishing him and his family all the best in the future," the statement read.

And everyone lived happily ever after, without any conflict of interest whatsoever.

-- Written by Dan Freed in New York.