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The Five Dumbest Things on Wall Street This Week: Oct. 12

Tickers in this article: GE GS JNJ TSRA UBS WFC

5. Tessera's Travel Tips

Have no fear all you Californians getting killed by $5 bucks a gallon gas. Thanks to our friends at Tessera Technologies (TSRA) , we have found a solution to ease your pump pain: Commute from Connecticut instead.

No joshing. According to regulatory filings released late last week, the semiconductor and digital optics company plans to pay its CEO Robert Young a whopping $150,000 per year to shuttle back and forth between his Connecticut home and Tessera's San Jose offices. The stipend comes on top of Young's $684,000 annual base salary for 2012, and a bonus that can reach up to 100% of that amount.

Oh yeah, let's not forget the 550,000 stock options Young will be able to vest if he spins off one of his two divisions, or the $1.6 million in total compensation he pocketed last year.

You see Golden Staters! If Tessera is giving Young all that extra travel cash when he doesn't even need it, imagine what your company will give cash-strapped straphangers like yourselves!

Furthermore, don't be dissuaded from asking for the additional dough if your company is losing money. Tessera lost $8.5 million in the first half of the year and still found the scratch to compensate Young for his cross country commute.

"The 2012 compensation arrangement provides an additional financial incentive for Bob to pursue a key strategic alternative, and reflects the board's continuing efforts to closely align executive compensation with the best interests of stockholders," said company chairman Robert J. Boehlke about Young's arrangement.

Hey, its good work if you can get it.

And even better if you can get it 3,000 miles away.

4. Jack's Not-So-Quick Tweet

Sorry Dumbest fans. You surely know by now how much we hate talking politics here at the Lab and how hard we try to remain colorblind in the escalating battle between red and blue states. Quite honestly, it's not our thing (or, as better expressed in yiddish es pas nisht ), and perhaps more importantly, we wade through so much stupidity right here on Wall Street that we just don't have the capacity to stomach any additional inventory provided by our friends in Washington.

So if you want us to take sides in the Presidential battle, we apologize, but no can do. For better or worse -- and we think it's better -- consider it outside our Dumbest domain.

All that said, former GE(GE) CEO Jack Welch sent such silliness straight from his gut to ours last week that we simply can't remain mum. While we remain steadfast in our neutrality, Welch has forced us off the sidelines with his jobs report numbskullery.

In case you missed it, Welch tweeted that President Barack Obama's administration rigged last Friday's September jobs report because he lost the opening Presidential debate. According to the Labor Department, the economy added 114,000 jobs in the month and the unemployment rate dropped to 7.8% from 8.1%.