In Change of Heart, Husband Wants a Baby: Ask Noah
Years ago in our mid-30s, my wife and I decided not to have kids. Last week, my younger brother's wife gave birth to their first child. I felt an incredible pang of envy that I'm ashamed to admit.
Maybe men have a metaphorical "biological clock." I would love for my wife and I to rethink our decision before we reach our mid-40s. I want us to have a baby. How can I possibly broach revisiting this very delicate subject with my wife? Is this a sexist request to put forth to her?
A: It is not sexist to share what you feel with your wife. A person's (man or woman) needs consistently change throughout life and relationships. While we may not have the same type of "biological clock" as a woman - we certainly know when we are ready to father a child.
It sounds as if, years ago you made a reasonable and calculated agreement with your wife. Couples are able to take on and handle different responsibilities at different times of their lives. Therefore decisions made can be discussed, reconsidered and altered at all times. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
1. Don't forget to "wonder" how your wife feels . . . do not rule out the possibility that she too may share your parenting fantasy. It could be that she is as ashamed or embarrassed to tell you of her changing wants as well.
2. I am betting you guys are a good team. You certainly know how to make sound decisions together. You can revisit the child question because of the foundation you have already built. A history of past honesty makes it much easier to be honest in the present.
3. As she'll be the one who'll potentially carry this child, be as sensitive as humanely possible when you bring this up to her. Let her know that the decision is yours to make together, regardless of the outcome.
4. In her potential "motherhood" fantasies, due to your joint decision, she may think of her childbearing years as in the past. Your renewed interest at being a father could very possibly reawaken or bring up extreme feelings in her. Perhaps she'll question whether she can physically have a child, or whether she and you can together. This could make her defensive, and possibly even angry at you for asking. Tread carefully and lightly; but do not fear to tread.