Passive Aggressive Christmas Presents
NEW YORK ( MainStreet) I hardly need to remind anyone that Christmas is coming. For the next week or so, many of us will spend hours searching stores, websites and occasionally old closets for that perfect gift. The holidays are, after all, a time to give to the ones you love.
Except sometimes we don't love them. Sometimes we barely even like them, but tradition demands we still buy a gift. So, for every holiday shopper out who needs present ideas for that one cousin he can barely stand, we present The MainStreet Guide to Passive Aggressive Christmas Shopping.
We take no responsibility for December 26.
To be honest, I'm surprised half the items on this list are even legal. The rest, such as this beginner's guide to bear hunting, are just spectacularly bad ideas. I'd explain further, but I feel like the product description really does say it all.
Still, as long as someone has decided to sell a bear hunt instruction manual, you might as well take advantage of it.
Everything about this book is a bad idea, from the hastily sketched out cover and the author's vaguely academic credentials, to the fact that its mere existence says there are people in this world who will place a 180-page paperback between themselves and a grizzly bear. Consider this a family IQ test. If someone sees this book and gets the message, it may be time to smooth things over. If the next stop is a trip to the sporting goods store, Uncle Buck may not be ready to babysit.
I can think of no better way to say, "I hope you don't come back from your next vacation." For added impact, try inscribing "Can I have your office?" inside the front cover.
The good news about the DropEx Plus detection kit is that it can test for a surprisingly wide range of explosive powders and residues, including dynamite, nitroglycerine and semtex. The bad news is that it calls for situations where you're testing for dynamite, nitroglycerine or semtex.
It's not just that this gift is, under all imaginable circumstances, completely useless. It also tells your loved one that if he ever did face a life threatening situation, you'd equip them with five squeeze bottles and a pair of blinking arrows.
Good luck, grandma. We're rooting for you.
The nice thing about celebrating a passive aggressive Christmas is that it requires little, if any, subtlety. Give the gift of this rather mediocre murder mystery with some pointed eye contact, and the title should say it all. If that doesn't work, a card saying, "I saw this and immediately thought of you" should finish the message.